This article comes from Entrepreneur.
Ultimately, the choice to act, or not act, is yours. Here are six tips for hearing tough feedback and reacting graciously.
When we receive tough feedback, the amygdala in our brains is triggered. This is the piece of our limbic system responsible for the fight or flight response. Unfortunately, that response, designed to protect us from threats, may misperceive feedback as the threat.
And that’s a problem because the real threat is the behavior or event that triggered the need for feedback in the first place. So, stop at the first sign that a “Yes . . . but!” or “You’re wrong” response starts bubbling up. Tamp it down. Don’t react to the feedback. Instead, bide your time; listen to the whole message. Then choose your response.
I know, your critic wasn’t expecting that! However, before you get on your high horse and start telling the other person how misguided his or her feedback is, stop, look the other person in the eye and deliver a heartfelt “Thank you!”
My guess is that if the feedback was important, your colleague will have put a lot of thought and effort into drumming up the courage to tell you. Chances are, this person cares enough about you and your relationship to share the message. So the least you can do is acknowledge it and say “Thank you.”
When we receive tough feedback we tend to see it as a complete character assassination. “You’re late” is heard as “You are always late,” which results in our silently listing events where we were not only on time, but early. See, what happens is that we move from listening to defending ourselves.
Instead of taking the feedback as the absolute truth that applies all the time, look for the 1 percent grain of truth. Build from there.
It’s easy to dismiss feedback that doesn’t match our own self-perception and move on to the next thing without a second thought. Bur before you do that, think back; reflect. Have you ever received this feedback before? How about something similar? If this is the first time you have ever had this feedback, then let it go.
If it sounds even vaguely familiar, then stop and listen up. One point of view has just turned into a pattern. And patterns can help or hinder you. What is the common factor, place, situation or theme? Does the feedback matter enough to you today to sit up and pay attention?
Quiet your inner voice and listen hard to the message. Ask, “Why would someone think that of me?” Asking a question (even in your head) engages the neocortex; the gray matter; your rational, thinking brain. By asking, you’ll see your question soften your amygdala’s ability to trigger that fight or flight response.
Remember, feedback is the answer to a problem you may or may not have known you have. If you are curious, you can become engaged in the conversation. You don’t have to agree with the feedback or act on it. But if you aren’t curious, you won’t hear it, you won’t be able to process it, and the gift of feedback will be lost to you.
Questions enable you to clarify what you have heard, to identify the specific behaviors that resulted in the unintended impact, and hence truly hear the feedback.
Apply these six tips, and you will be less likely to feel caught off guard the next time someone provides you with some unexpected feedback. While tough feedback is never our first choice, it’s something that can accelerate our success — if we hear it.
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